Fire and Ice
by kayla is a loon
Summary: At Marlene's funeral, Sirius reflects on what he let slip through his fingers.


He'd always known that one of them would have to die. But, no…it shouldn't—couldn't have been her. Marlene was too alive to be dead. She had always been entirely too perfect to be gone. But there she was. Front and center, as per usual. But she was too pale, and much to still be there. It wasn't right.

It should've been expected. They'd gone weeks without a death; it was only just a matter of time. But how could it have been Marlene? They were supposed to live forever. Marlene, James, Remus, Peter, Lily…all of them, they were the young ones. It was supposed to end. And they were supposed to be there. Smiling, laughing, and telling their children all their courageous war stories…they'd all be friends. It'd be perfect. Just like it had been before the war.

The war. This war. It had changed them all. Sirius had turned to ice. He'd managed to block out everything he felt after watching his friends faces go blank. Over time, he'd gotten stronger. As of late, he'd yet to collapse at every death; shoving it into the very depths of his brain, and even further back in his heart. But that had never been Marlene. While he was ice, she was fire. Every death struck her in exactly the wrong (and nearly always right) way. For every face, for every loved one, for every friend that fell. She was fiercer, stronger for all those who couldn't be. He'd never seen her cry. Hell, he wasn't even sure she knew how. Many of the women in the Order often broke down into tears after an encounter with Death Eaters, but never Marlene. Her jaw would set, her eyes would lose their sparkle, and her lips would merge into one. He tried to admire her for that.

Sirius hated funerals. He'd never known what to say or what to do. Marlene had always been the same way. Together they'd sit in the very back row, hidden away from the rest. They'd share uncomfortable glances, and Marlene's jaw would set, and Sirius…well, Sirius kept his eyes fixed on the ground. It was easier that way. But now…there was no one to share uncomfortable glances with, no one to reach over and squeeze his hand until it turned red. It wasn't right. He wasn't sure why he was here now. Marlene would've understood that he couldn't come. If it had been for anyone else, he would've agreed when Peter came to his house and tried to coax him out with a bottle of Firewhiskey. There would've been no way for him to old out until Moony came to him and tried to talk. A serious talk, one that Sirius couldn't even brush off with a few name puns. And he certainly wouldn't have made it past James. He'd been the last to visit. Sirius supposed this was all apart of their strategy. After all, if Prongs couldn't do it, then who could? But by some miracle he'd ignored his best friends words, and even laughed at James' attempts to drag him out of the house. He couldn't explain to his friends why he couldn't go. They'd never quite understood what Marlene and him had had…if they'd had anything at all. But he'd absolutely refused to go.

Then they'd sent Lily. Or maybe she'd come on her own accord. But her eyes were puffed from tears, and her voice was breaking, but she'd begged Sirius to come. And Sirius had. He couldn't refuse the pain, and the hurt in Lily's eyes no matter how much he was hurting himself. He absolutely couldn't refuse the tears in her eyes when she spoke so fondly of her best friend…former best friend. So there he sat. Front row, thanks to Lily. As all the McKinnon's were gone, there was no family to occupy the front row. Instead it was full of those who had been closet to Marlene. He wasn't sure how he'd landed himself here. Lily he understood. And even Alice Longbottom. The three girls had been rather close their Hogwarts careers. James was front row too, along with Peter and Remus. He could understand this…James had been the Quidditch captain, and Marlene had played Beater for the majority of her years at Hogwarts. A faint smile crossed Sirius' lips at the memory of Marlene often stopping practice to make many a threats to shove the her Beaters Bat down James' throat if he didn't stop yelling so bloody loud. And Remus…well, Marlene had often begged Remus to help her when she fell behind in her studies. Sirius could only remember Marlene throwing herself at Remus' feet in the most dramatic way, and always stating that Lily couldn't help her. Lily was too impatient, too brash. But him and Peter…well, they most only be there by association. Because Sirius is sure he doesn't deserve this.

He'd never deserved Marlene. That was why she'd chosen Gideon Prewett. Not that it had been much of competition. His name had never really been in the running. It had been his fault, really. Gideon Prewett had loved Marlene in the deepest of ways. When they were together they were really _together_. Something Sirius never could've done. And Prewett had no problems letting Marlene know how he felt. Never had a problem telling her exactly so in front of everyone and anyone. Sirius himself had heard the two exchanging affections. Sirius had never had a girlfriend. A motorcycle, yes. A one-night stand, yes. But a girlfriend was simply inconceivable. And honestly, it couldn't hate Gideon. No matter how much he wanted to, or how hard he tried to. Gideon had given Marlene exactly what she deserved. What Sirius wanted for her. His only regret; not being able to give it himself. He couldn't even hate Gideon after hearing that he'd been there when the McKinnon's had fallen. After seeing Gideon, who also had a seat up front next to his brother Fabian, looking so broken, he'd was sure that Gideon himself enough for the both of them.

With an involuntary twitch of his head, Sirius dragged his eyes of the ground. Without much thought, he found his eyes on the casket. Marlene was in there. She was still. Too bloody still for anyone's good. It wasn't right. It just wasn't Marlene. Then again, there were a lot of things that weren't a bit like Marlene. Like this. The people were complete imbeciles. Not the Marauders or Lily, of course. But everyone else is. Too damn solemn, too quiet, it's just not Marlene. Around him, people shuffle to the front. They start out telling such humorous stories about Marlene, but by the end they're all crying again and it's depressing again. They called her well tempered. Which was absolutely ridiculous, Marlene had never been the calm type. She was the kind to hex now and question later. In some odd way, that made her seem just so bloody perfect.

It was over. Finally. Sirius had snuck away from his friends. Peter had looked like he wanted to protest, but after catching Sirius' eye he let him go. He watched from afar as Lily stood beside her best friend's body, and promptly burst into a set of fresh tears and was then comforted by James. He watched as Alice Longbottom stood beside Marlene's casket and also broke into tears, and was then comforted by Frank. It hit him then that he could've had that. With a quick spin of his body, Sirius left the funeral. He tried to push Marlene's death to the very back on his mind, but it doesn't work. No matter how hard it tries, it never works. Her eyes haunt him. Her face appears in his nightly dreams, and her voice rings through his ears. And then, before he knows what hit him…

Sirius catches fire.


End file.
